Where I Begin

It's Sunday. I'm sitting here on my sofa, after a strange and scary week.

The house is still sleeping, and I'm enjoying the gentle silence of the morning.

This is my favourite time of the day. Whenever possible I like to take the morning to myself. To ease in to the day. To feel some sort of calm just before the hustle and bustle begins.

And it's strange, my Mum does the same. She likes to give herself an hour before everyone else needs to be at work or school. She lets the dogs enjoy the morning air and sets the scent of coffee through the house.

So I sit. And I think of what brings me happiness. What makes my head stroll instead of sprint.

There have been seasons in my life where I haven't felt happy. Now, with a clearer head, I can see when it was hormones or a chemical imbalance. And I can now see when maybe it was a choice. I chose to do things or be around things and people that didn't add to the goodness of my life. Often, I would do the same things over and over, all the while saying "why isn't this working?" and expecting things to change.

I can be a little stubborn like that.

It makes me think of my cousin. When tears fell from her eyes and her crayons were laying broken on the floor, I asked "what would make you happy right now?"
"I want to play!"
And that's what we did, because it brought happiness.

That moment made me understand.

It's a long road this happiness thing. And life isn't so simple when you're really in it, but sometimes when you take a big enough step away, it can feel that way.

The birds outside are beginning to stir and my quiet morning is coming to an end.
But today, I will work on my wholeness and my happiness. Today I'll ask myself  'what would make you feel happy?'

And that's where I will begin.

❊