I take on too much. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle.
Essentially, that is the root of my issues. My head probably says, “Hey Alessia, for everything to be merry and dandy you should definitely try to cope with more than humanly possible.” And I probably respond with, “Sure, great idea, let’s go!”
I guess the silly thing in all that is that I consider my head and I to be two separate entities. Which isn’t strictly true, I mean, we are pretty attached.
To add to it, I have a really lousy habit. I call it ‘panic, without process’. Someone will say something (a complement, a criticism), or I’ll be given a responsibility and my immediate reaction is to just panic - internally that is. So you can imagine this doesn’t really aid many situations, at all. I think it’s one of those things I know is bad, I know I do it but I just can’t stop doing it. Kind of like people who want to stop reading five books at a time but can’t (I also do that too). It usually takes anywhere from half an hour to three days for this initial panic to wear off. And let me tell you, that is a mighty long three days.
So if that didn’t quite make it clear. I’m struggling.
(Oh here we go, a soppy post, a post about finding inner peace, dealing with all those responsibilities, being an adult, exploring the world).
Hand on heart, I know it’ll work out. Chances are I am just fretting over very little. Chances are, most people I know will tell me that - daily. The thing that gets me though, is it doesn’t feel like very little, it feels like a whole damn lot. It feels like I won’t have it all figured out in time, I won’t be ready. If anything, all that worry should drive me to figure it out, to be ready. But it doesn’t, it just really doesn’t. It makes me want to hibernate with a big pile of books and lots of strawberries. It makes me want to go for long drives, take pictures, do angst-ridden teen stuff. It makes me question all my mantras and motivations.
I keep telling myself that it’s okay for this one to take a little longer to figure out. Even if a day really does feel like a year. It’s okay.