This Evening

And when the devils descends, he plays havoc with the sky.

❊

On Love

I'm not sure what love is.

I've never been sure, but I think it's hearing her say "You're an asshole", while her smile betrays the words just uttered.
It's a small child wearing a vest, shirt and jumper; simply because its mother is cold.

I think love is having two apples. A crisp, juicy one and a soft, bruised one. From that, it's offering the better to her.
It's sharing a clementine. A segment for you, two for her.

It's looking at her, like that. With those eyes and that smile.

Love, I believe, is the gentle hand that reaches for you at three in the morning after you've gotten up to use the bathroom.

The message you receive when you arrive ten minutes later than usual, "Are you home and safe?"

I trust it to be everything that goes unsaid. It's incandescent and organic. Mesmerising.
Yours. Mine. Ours. To share.
A yearning for what was and what will be.

I'm not sure what love is, but it just might be magic.

❊

Dear February...

You are short and delicate. An escape month. Like a new island you glisten with the commotion that life is possible. Sweet smelling and ravishing with natural delight.

Bring me anticipated hope and gentle belonging. Show me enough gusto to see you through.

Show me your fury and I'll stand stable.

Flow well and thorough. Busy, but able.

Flirt with the notion that you are more than March; resilient and vigourous.

Dance fast. Run fast. Think fast. But please, be gracious and show a loud silence, a vacant presence. 

Just be, February.

❊

This Week #16 | This Moment

I have few words left flowing through me now.

It's late. I'm tired. My bed is warm and tomorrow is looming.

I can't be sure of many things in this life. The good comes and go, as does the bad. This comforts me.

But I know that in this quiet moment, as I sit with damp hair and a mug of tea beside me, I know, I am sure of right now. Of this moment.

And life will iron out adequately; I will grow and life will develop.

I know I will wake up tomorrow feeling less tired and more full than I do in this moment. I know that my hair will dry and tea will be quietly enjoyed.

And I know that these words and this protected moment are the few things that make it all a bearable.

❊

Dear January...

Listen up, I'm the boss now. No messing around.
And I won't lie, you scare me. No two ways about it. I'm filled with the intoxication that this is the start of another whirlwind year.
I will no longer allow the chill of you to captivate and shake me. I'm standing strong this time. Preparing for battle. Ready to fight.

I ask that you bring fresh light, air and ideas. The motivation to get involved and keep things rolling.

Be mindful, January. You set the precedent for 2015 and if you let me down, I'll make sure you hear about it.

❊

Dear 2014...

There's been some huge triumphs this year; driving, turning 18, obtaining a tattoo, going it alone.

Then there's the smaller triumphs. Which, in actual fact, probably mean so much more to me than everything else combined.
Those small moments. Five minutes of laughing, two minutes of crying, a night of drinking and a morning of smoking. Those significant moments. Well, they've been grand.

It's the tiny things. Like waking up with a house full of friends, all carrying foggy heads. Stumbling outside - using energy from the previous night's beers and baguette - with coffee and toast. I'm sure we considered ourselves highly sophisticated and continental.

The truth is, none of the big triumphs mean half as much as those nights.

I remember every cheesy song, every out of tune power ballad, every hour spent driving through town, and every hour of sleep I lost.

We were silly with excitement. Everything felt new and fun. It was strange and so were we, but it wasn't threatening.

2014 has been home. We've had and felt it all.

It's that feeling you get when you try something for the first time, it's never quite what you expect but it evolves in to an adventure all the same.
There was no one in this adventure, bubble, sanctuary but us. Half-drunk with the prospect of things to come and completely engulfed in each other's love.

We started with a bang and we'll go out just the same. We're bright, and ready for a storm.

❊

This Week #15 | Accepting Change

This week made me realise something I hadn't really considered before.

We, as humans, seem to accept the strangest changes the easiest.

Think of all your baby teeth. Well those, they no longer belong to you.

They now belong to the elusive tooth fairy.

You so willingly allowed them to leap from your mouth to underneath your pillow.

No further explanation was needed for it to all make sense. You accepted it for what it was; becoming, growing.

The strangest of change that we all so wholeheartedly latched on to.

I need to remember this.

I need to remember this when the change I am faced with doesn't seem clear. When even simple day-to-day transforms prompt me to question the idea.

Why must the sun set?

It must set because it needs rest, just as I do.

It must set so the moon can glow, just as I shall.

The sun must set so the tooth fairy may begin her shift.

❊

The Ocean Misses You

It's grand. Majestic, even.

And though the sea often conceals its great presence, it is every bit as important as the little things we worry about each day. 

It is still, but always present.

It keeps cleaning, rolling, maintaining itself, in the hope that one day, when you've put aside your many worries, you may stop by for a little visit.

The sea wishes for you to dip your feet in, curl sand under your toes.

And remember that the sea's presence is every ounce as grand and majestic as your own.

❊

Today Is For:

Remembering that I have enough control, love and life to keep me going. Being mindful and breathing easy. 

And taking long walks, allowing the harsh wind to hit my face, feeling nothing but delight as I go.

❊

Remembering To Breathe

And I suppose that's where I struggle.

When I'm left alone. When there's less than 8 hours of sunlight a day. When I interact with one rude customer too many.

I kind of lose myself. Even if just for a split second. I forget what it's about, why I'm here and my position in the world. I lose a little bit of me.

With the darker months now in full swing it's getting a little trickier.

A lonesome few hours on a Monday can set me on a real downer, a slump, and only encourage my dreams of hibernation.

It's harder to sleep and it's even harder to get up. Motivating others and being optimistic feels like one of the heaviest weights to carry right now.

And I've written this. 

I've written this and forgotten to breathe.

Breathe.

❊

Dear December...

Oh December, I hope the fact that I'm struggling to write to you isn't a sign of things to come. Please, be gracious.

Your neighbour, November, was a busy one. We shared few words and many long days. My hope is that you'll bring a little calm, and a little confidence.

You have 31 days before the changeover. You're top dog. Show January that you hold a strong reputation.

Bring cold winter sun and bright hazy mornings. Bring joy and excitement for the new year.

Bring it, December. 

❊

For You

To me, you are the person who is full of colour and love.

I can see it in the way you laugh, and the way you see life.

Lately, I think, that colour has faded, love has weakened a little.

But there are seasons in life, some not as colourful as others. This is important.

Please remember that Spring will be knocking at your door soon; the colour will brighten once more.

In the mean time, I have collected these words. And I offer them to you, with love, and faith that you will make it.

❊

This Week #13 | Human After All

I guess you could say I've lost my head a few times this week. There's a sense that things are slipping and I'm holding on to the weakest cracks.

That's how I originally started this post. 

And then I remembered the amount of times things like:

"If you think bad, it will be bad."

"Get some sleep, stop worrying."

"I'm here because I want to be."

have been said to me this week. They mean as much as the person that said them. As much as they care for me and as much as I care for them.

Life will only be as bad as I think it to be. And from now on, it will be damn sweet.

❊

Dear November...

After the blaze of October, the trees - much like me - stand dormant, awaiting the shine of Spring.

It's hard to get around the wind, but it's coming. Thick and fast, ready for a battle. When love feels heavy you must remember that there will be brighter days, where the sun shines for more than two hours, when eating a tub of ice cream will make you comfortable, not cold. Those days are coming, soon. First, you must prepare with today, tomorrow and the days after that. These crisp November mornings will shape you, make you strong.

Surround us with things that comfort and sustain during the colder months.
November, I admire you. You have so suddenly sauntered up the drive and rang the doorbell. And you've left me no choice but to answer, wooly gloves in hand.

❊

A Lover Lay In Her Bed

She thought about all the souls she had loved that day.

She dreamt of all the souls she would one day meet.

She shut her eyes.

And smiled to herself.

❊

Winter Is For...

Cold nights and crisps mornings. An extra pair of socks so your wellies fit just right. Apple crumble, blackberry crumble, every kind of crumble! Be sure to warm your custard first.

Foggy drives home at midnight, accompanied by two cigarettes and drivers who forget to switch their full beam off.

Winter is for hoping to see a blanket of untouched white on Christmas morning. The sweet smell of pine trees and roasted chestnuts. 

We'll witness those November days. The sun will shine bright and the wind will blow cold, where it's Spring in the sun and Winter in the shade.

❊

One Thursday Night In May

Enough light shone through the cracks in the blinds to cast a soft light on your spine. It was gentle and ready, driving me crazy as it danced on your skin.

I mean it’s not as if you weren’t glowing already.

You have this permanent glow about you. And I’m envious, because it’s so effortless.

Up and out. Left and right. Every direction going, you’ve got it.

A glow that would make even the most fearful child fall in love with sleeping against light.

What a wonderful way to burn.

❊

Dear October...

You have a warm feel about you. Summer's said its final goodbyes and the orange glow that lit the sky for so long now litters the ground.

I've missed you, October. The way you allow the darkness to fall a little earlier in the evening. How you grant me the much missed permission to wrap up in big jumpers. How the fog that graces most mornings is nothing but tranquil and the little bit of haze I need to feel grounded.

Change is coming. Change is always coming. I want change. In fact, the more I want it, the more elusive it becomes. We'll synchronise in the right places and battle in the wrong, but it'll work it. And the process, though occasionally brutal, is mostly thrilling.

Three months until the year is up. Three months to kick ass. Three months to go out in a blaze.

October, make 'em dance.

❊

A Letter To An Old Perfectionist

Forgive yourself for the times you stumbled upstairs without a "Goodnight" to your parents. Forgive yourself for the days you thought coffee was the only food group you needed. Forgive yourself for sticking around people that didn't make you feel important. Forgive yourself for letting another influence the thoughts you worked so hard to conquer. Forgive yourself for leaving early to just be alone. 

Forgive yourself for shunning your mind when it sang only sweet words of your body. And to hell with what others think. Forgive yourself for saying your hips were nothing but 'gross'. One day they will anchor shopping, laundry, heavy burdens and a few sneaky treats. Forgive yourself for the nights you couldn't sleep and thought of only the negative. Positivity arrived eventually and those nights hold no grudges. Forgive yourself for feeling angry, fear was big and biting. It's done, let go. 

Celebrate that your story is full to the brim with major departures and even bigger arrivals. This is your life now, don't forget to laugh. Stand up straight, you have all the armour you could ever need. See with wide eyes and believe with an open mind.

❊

You Have Time

If you listen to one thing, absorb and admire one thing today, let it be that you have time. More time than you think. 

You can stay for that second round of drinks. Walk home at half the pace you would normally, the bricks and dinner will still be there when you arrive. Take that extra ten minutes of sleep, you need it. Leave for work a little later than planned, the fresh pastries and juice will be worth it. 

You have time to ring your parents a few time a week - at least. You have time get sick and take the week off, you’re human. Go on holiday, don’t rush the bright days and blissful nights.

Take your lunch outside, there’s time to indulge. Spend that extra half an hour at the park with the kids, ‘catch up TV’ is a thing now.

Keep performing little miracles, you’re changing something big, even if you can't see it yet. You can be kind, humble, patient.

Know that the world doesn’t move as quickly as you do.

❊