This Week #16 | This Moment

I have few words left flowing through me now.

It's late. I'm tired. My bed is warm and tomorrow is looming.

I can't be sure of many things in this life. The good comes and go, as does the bad. This comforts me.

But I know that in this quiet moment, as I sit with damp hair and a mug of tea beside me, I know, I am sure of right now. Of this moment.

And life will iron out adequately; I will grow and life will develop.

I know I will wake up tomorrow feeling less tired and more full than I do in this moment. I know that my hair will dry and tea will be quietly enjoyed.

And I know that these words and this protected moment are the few things that make it all a bearable.

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This Week #15 | Accepting Change

This week made me realise something I hadn't really considered before.

We, as humans, seem to accept the strangest changes the easiest.

Think of all your baby teeth. Well those, they no longer belong to you.

They now belong to the elusive tooth fairy.

You so willingly allowed them to leap from your mouth to underneath your pillow.

No further explanation was needed for it to all make sense. You accepted it for what it was; becoming, growing.

The strangest of change that we all so wholeheartedly latched on to.

I need to remember this.

I need to remember this when the change I am faced with doesn't seem clear. When even simple day-to-day transforms prompt me to question the idea.

Why must the sun set?

It must set because it needs rest, just as I do.

It must set so the moon can glow, just as I shall.

The sun must set so the tooth fairy may begin her shift.

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This Week #14 | You'll Get There

Following on from Monday's post, I appear to have lost my balance. Suddenly and all at once.
It's taken nearly a week of really messed up sleep and endless work for me to realise things aren't quite right. I can't quite pinpoint what's triggered it - aside from the lack of sense in my brain - but I know I've lost that bubble in my spirit level. It's either fallen dramatically left, or dramatically right. Neither of which I particularly like the sound of.

This loss of balance has made me realise why I write. Why I tell stories. Why I jump at the chance to read my favourite part of Catcher in the Rye to a dear friend. Why my hands are always less jittery when I'm holding a pen or stabbing (more aggressively than needed) at the keys on my laptop.

It's my release. I'm filling the hole. We're all filling a hole. And it was a recent conversation with a close friend that reiterated this to me. Everyone fills their hole with something; running, smoking, drinking, shopping, working, taking hour long baths and eating sweetcorn from the tin. These tiny victories gives us a simple satisfaction that we lose when we forget that the opinions of others are just that, opinions.

So here it is, why I write.

I write to meditate and soothe. To cast wholesome feelings on to those who have lost their way a little. To romanticise about how I hope I am perceived. To share secrets I cannot utter aloud. To feel even the tiniest connection to the people I wish for. To be better, more creative and grounded. 

I write because sometimes all I have in me are the few words I scribble on paper. 

I write because when someone tells you you lack direction, you show them that you can conquer every direction you see.

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Finding Balance

Writing from the window of a much loved coffee shop after an intense yoga class - that could really only be considered pilates - probably makes this all sound a little bit more dreamy. And I like that, it sits well with me.

My headspace feels good. Sane even. It's completely full and completely empty.

I woke up calm. Showered and brushed my teeth. Refused to wear a scrap of make up and adorned my best yoga clothes. My phone is switched off and I'm sneaking three raspberries in to my mouth at regular intervals. I've got everything I need.

Granted, there are a few things I desire; a plan, a little more money (simply for ease), summer to happen all over again. But what I have is enough. And that's what I'm trying to keep in my mind. I have what I need, I can walk, talk, swim, laugh, love and so far I've managed just over 18 years with all of those talents. 

So, it's enough right? Of course it is.

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This Week #13 | Human After All

I guess you could say I've lost my head a few times this week. There's a sense that things are slipping and I'm holding on to the weakest cracks.

That's how I originally started this post. 

And then I remembered the amount of times things like:

"If you think bad, it will be bad."

"Get some sleep, stop worrying."

"I'm here because I want to be."

have been said to me this week. They mean as much as the person that said them. As much as they care for me and as much as I care for them.

Life will only be as bad as I think it to be. And from now on, it will be damn sweet.

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This Week #12 | How Are You?

Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I am here. Writing, self meditating, filling a void that has only been creeping up on the thoughts I assumed were long gone. It’s the good kind of overwhelmed. Quietly overwhelmed. And this is okay. It’s not dramatic and it’s not quite heart wrenching. I can still breathe.

I’m overwhelmed that the people around me are inexplicably tolerant and loving of my flaws and needs, though different to their's they remain justified - simply because I feel them.

And when your dearest friend sits across from you in a small coffee shop and tells you how envious she is of the life you lead, driving, photographing views she only sees from her window, believe her. She’s exploring too, seeing different things and learning. And she is happy. And she lives surrounded by light and love, and she knows it. Yet part of her still longs for what you have, she still believes it to be tangible.

There is a lesson in this. Be open to it.

Perhaps everything that has just happened is an invitation to a new adventure. 

All adventure requires is curiosity. And curiosity, I have in abundance. 

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This Week #11 | Seeking The Positive

It's Sunday. And I'm still here. Beat and a little bruised, but nonetheless I am here.

Long drives with blissful, high views kept me sane and grounded. The kind of seats that give you nosebleeds. I was wrapped in a duvet of thick sky and icy wind, with nothing but my camera to capture it all. 

Sometimes I think of how I’ll describe these moments in my life, when I am fortunate enough to look back.

"It was beautiful."

"You'd have loved it."

"Oh I wish I could have stayed a little longer."

"I was happy in that moment because you were too."

I suppose what gets me most is falling exhausted in to bed dreaming dreams not so different to the days I'm living. 

That has to be a life well-spent, doesn't it?

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Eighteen and Bloody Marvelous

I feel infinite. Now, I can't yet tell if that's due to the amount of wine my chums and I indulged in last week or if it's because I'm now eighteen and feeling a little freer.

Either way, it feels fantastic.

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What Do You Wish Was Taught At School?

The emotions I saw on A-level Results Day sparked some ideas. Some weren't bothered by the outcome of a years work, some were happy, some felt hard done by. All of which are understandable. Sometimes exam results have a tendency to remind us that even if we work our asses off, in terms of letters on a piece of paper at the end of Summer, it won't always be what you expect.

So it got me thinking, what if schools taught some stuff I actually really want to know, not just how to break down formulae and find 'x'.

In an ideal world, these are the four subjects that would have got me that little bit further:

1. Money
What credit cards are available, mortgages, renting, the difference between a savings and current account, what happens when you're overdrawn, what tax you have to pay and why. Ok, it sounds pretty dull but let's be honest, I'm damn scared about all this stuff and I haven't got a clue where to start. If someone had given me the heads up when I was still at school, and told me the best ways to save and earn, I would have paid attention.

2. Social Skills
I don't just mean with peers and those in the workplace here. Worldwide travel is now more accessible than ever and it's common to see those on their gap year jetting of to Asia or inter-railing around Europe. Learning how to greet someone, their traditions and customs would surely only help generations connect with a wider audience and become more aware.

3. House and Home
Before anyone gets on their high horse, I'm not talking about women having a meal ready for the working man when he walks through the door. This more along the lines of practical jobs; things like bleeding a radiator, changing a lightbulb without electrocuting yourself across the room, gas and water maintenance... you know, those skills you aren't born with.

4. Politics
I've just hit the age that allows me to vote, this is pretty terrifying and that's mostly because I have no idea how the system works. The country would benefit a whole lot if students were taught about voting, political parties/policies and elections. More people would feel able to vote with confidence and it would hopefully diminish the amount of people living in a country they don't understand.

 

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Free Indeed

It's only now, a few days before everyone heads back to school for a new year, that I'm realising the summer months of this year have been so many things. A bubble, an escape, free, home, enlightening and I suppose most of all, the best damn hazy days and alive nights I've ever had the pleasure of absorbing.

Selfish me is screaming: "I don't want this to end! Let's do more. Let's drive until 3am. Let's do all that important stuff on six hours less sleep than we really need. Stay. We can keep this enormous bubble of happy and irresponsible for a while yet. I'm not done."
Alas, selfish me can't win this one. They have to go back to school, study for exams, find jobs, get in to good universities; I think I'm just protective of what has been, we've found something mutual and don't want to give it up, it's instinct I guess.

We're not ready. That's the truest bit. We're dreading change. We're mixed up. Alone and together. Breathing fine and gasping for air simultaneously. But mostly, well mostly, we're fearless. And that's why we'll get through this year in style, ready to do it all again when the clocks go forward.

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This Week #9 | The Wales Edition

By now, my hair mostly consists of the sea and (far too much) dry shampoo. I say that likes it's a bad thing but secretly I'd love to be able to rock a head of dreadlocks. If the unwashed delight that is my hair didn't make this week sound enticing enough I somehow managed to make a six hour journey to Wales turn into 12. Holy moly, me and trains (and now my bank account too) are not the best of friends right now.

The state of my hair and a certain mode of transport became more than bearable when the charming views that graced my eye line were out in abundance this week. I don't think I've been more stuck for decent words to use, there's little that can describe what I saw.

If there's one thing that makes me feel calmer, purer and more whole than anything else it's sea air. It's healing and beautiful and full of all the good stuff you could ever need. The sea has a tendency to fill me with longing, though for what I can't be sure. It wraps me up in a whirlwind of encouragement and new life. Life feels a little easier by the sea.

A week surrounded by the most healing kind of people, food, air, laughter, music has given my soul a whole heap of rest-bite. It tops anything I could have wished for and is only reconfirming that I'm nowhere near ready for this summer to end. I'd do it all again in a flash. With the same people, the same stupid (but bearable) jokes, except, maybe a shorter train ride!

This week's teaching: "Travel teaches toleration."

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My Week In Numbers #2

2 - bars of petrol left in my tank. How have I driven that much recently?! After this week, I'm considering moving to Venezuela, it's only 2/3p per litre of petrol there!

14 - hours of sleep I've missed out on and am definitely craving.

7 - runs completed since Monday. Damn, it feels good!

6 - minutes of genius I can't get enough of.

450 - photos to edit by the middle of next week.

32 - days until I turn 18. Holy moly, that does not feel real.

2 - losing scratch cards. Boo!

1 - week until Iss is home and I am calm.

4 - nights of conversations and laughter. And I am so thankful for those and the people that allow them to happen.

5 - punches of much needed encouragement and tough love.

10 - minutes on the phone to Max; absorbing camera knowledge and wishing for my sibling to be closer.

❊

This Week #8

There's little rhyme or rhythm to this week. Or this post. It's a jumble and mostly a reflection of the state my head is in. I know 'state' sounds a little negative, but actually I'm feeling at ease and have done for a healthy sum of the week.

If this week has enlightened me about anything it's that I have pretty much no filter on the words that spill from my mouth after around 9pm. Realistically, it's not like I have much of a filter before that but you get the idea. I've found myself talking a lot lately, and not about all that much really. There's the odd person that can tolerate it and will (I hope) happily listen to me ramble about little of concern while they cook, drive, shop. The point of this is that it's bloody lucky that I'm yet to find myself being punched in the face for excessive talking and laughing.

Most importantly, the gross feeling that came after consuming half a litre of frozen yoghurt at 10pm, in a car park with Paolo Nutini playing louder than necessary was definitely worth it. If you asked me why I probably couldn't give you an exact reason, I reckon I was just super content and calm in that half an hour.

This week's teaching: "We all put our trousers on one leg at a time."

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Hey, It's OK:

// To talk to your pet more than people some days.
// To not want to drink.
// When you have a bad day. Punch tomorrow in the face.
// To 'forget' to dust all those little bits and bobs you probably should have thrown out ages ago.
// To eat sweetcorn from the tin... Despite what your Mother says.

❊

Therapy Of The Fruity Kind

I didn't realise it at the time, but an afternoon, with my chum, fruit picking (and eating) was exactly what I needed. It's quite humbling, you're in this vast space, surrounded by hundreds of plants that do nothing but sunbathe and grow. Then some little bugger picks them and takes them home. Smoothies, jam, cake decorations... Or three kilos of snacks. I suppose there are worse things to make you feel sick.

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To Be Grateful For:

// Mornings that are bright enough for a little Yoga session outside.

// Porridge with lashings of cinnamon.

// People that make it easy for you not to worry.

// How easy it is to travel nowadays.

// Good views.

// Having all your senses in tact (even if common sense isn't one of them).

// Books books books.

// Fits of laughter followed by desperate gasps for oxygen.

❊

This Week #7

I'm not really sure about this week. It's kind of been a mixed bag (I say that nearly every time I write this post but hey, at least I'm consistent)!

If saner heads hadn't prevailed I'd probably be huddled in a corner, weeping. Alas, I've just about managed to keep it together.

The 'Go it Alone' thing happened on Tuesday. It was weird. But surprisingly, less daunting than first expected. Although, I'm glad it was early in the week because my head had been going non-stop crazy during the build up. I didn't and don't yet feel a sense of relief; or even grief for that matter, I'm just manically peaceful. Most likely it'll take me a few days to a week to realise what's actually happened and what's going to happen and I reckon when it hits I'll find a little hideaway and just be still.

Bar a few (more) car mishaps, an attempt to find solidarity at the bottom of (three) beer bottles and extremely long walks home it's probably been one of my calmer weeks. And that is saying something because there's a lot I can't condense for this post. I like the idea of writing it all down, documenting it here, on paper, in photos. Then, at the same time I like my little private thoughts and memories. So really, I could be writing about the normality and routine of my week whilst sat in the Sahara Dessert - unlikely as the WiFi is probably terrible, but you get the idea, my week could have been wild and completely illegal and you wouldn't know because I haven't typed it here.

I actually wrote this in the early hours of this morning, with most of my friends asleep (on floor) in the room next door. It can be a little romanticised and fickle sometimes, but I love it. And I still don't know whether to laugh or cringe at the amount of times "This is so Skins" has been said in the last week.

Someone tell me how I scored this lot. 

My laughter generators at 2am when I have to be up at six.

❊

Links Love #4

// 2 minutes of exquisite ballet.

// Attack of the cute!

// If you read one thing this week, make it this - two guys living meaningful lives with less stuff.

// Train surfing in South Africa.

// Reasons to meditate.

// What London gives you when you want Italian; House of Peroni.

❊

Currently...

Drinking: copious amounts of hot water and lemon.
Wanting: a little headspace.
Looking: at flights. I'm tempted, really tempted.
Deciding: my next move.
Enjoying: fair weather and the smiles it brings.
Waiting: for bigger things.
Pondering: what I should have for dinner, avocado or avocado? They're just so good!
Considering: if I'm ready to turn 18 in a few months... probably not.
Reading: The Catcher In The Rye - it's just as good the sixth time round.
Hoping: for some guidance.
Wearing: a beautiful vintage kimono that I picked up for just £20.
Noting: all my ideas, desk space is quickly diminishing.
Admiring: beautiful cameras, I'll take them all, please.
Sorting: through all the clothes that need washing... before I go away in around twelve hours.
Getting: worked up too easily - I need to figure that one out.
Realising: there are some things I can't alter, and that's okay.
Planning: very little. My head is packed with stuff already.

❊

Three Books, Three Purposes

In the recent months I've been doing a lot of varied reading. So, I decided to compile a post about the three books I haven't been able to put down... apart from to write this post.


The Bedside Read

After reading The Catcher In The Rye six times, I still go back to it when I'm not yet ready for something new. It's an honest book, with a few subtleties in its descriptions.

Holden Caulfield, the book's protagonist, quickly became an icon of teenage rebellion when the book was first published in 1951. He's an endearing character and portrays both maturity and immaturity throughout. 

Later, in 1981 it was both the most censored and second most taught book in public schools in the US - now if that doesn't intrigue you I don't know what will.

My copy is battered - I even bent the spine, something I largely consider a cardinal sin! - and has underlinings and scribblings on nearly every page.

The Cookbook

This cookbook is a fairly new addition to the stack (of at least 50), it was actually my Mum that picked this up. Looks like she has pretty sharp taste.

It's a hefty book, however it's incredibly articulate! Towards the front of the book is a guide to ingredients; fruit, veg, herbs, spices etc. Leon gives details of when each is in season and where they're typically grown, this is ideal if you're in to shopping for foods when they're at their best.

The back of the book is where the recipes are. A few that caught my eye are: .....

And if all that content wasn't enough it's beautifully designed. Scribbles and casual photos give it a real homely feel. It's a book that's blown the Nigella, Gordon and Jamie's out of the water. You pay for the content and the content sure is good!

The Coffee Table Book

This book might possibly be my favourite of the three. 

It's a beautiful collection of fascinating letters, postcards, telegrams, faxes and memos. Letters from the likes of F. Scott Fitzgerald nearly had me in tears, and that's not to mention the ones fans wrote to Elvis!

I'm glad this book isn't available on a kindle or iPad as it just wouldn't be the same. An exquisite book to read with a cup of coffee (or tea, if that's your thing) on a quiet afternoon

If all that wasn't enough for you, Shaun Usher, the editor, has also set up Lists of Note!

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